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[01 Dec 2007|11:59pm] |
god forbid i should bore you with all the little details.
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[26 Mar 2006|06:38pm] |
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if you asked me two years ago if i thought i would be addicted to meth in the future, my answer would have been a "fuck no". dont lecture me. i fucked up, so be it. things happen, people change and life moves on, etc. etc. i found all of my journals from the past two years. reading them is an unbelieveable timeline. from me being totally against drugs and drinking, to taking my first sip of beer, vodka, jack daniels to me snorting lines of coke and speed, then smoking it. some day my life will be a book.
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[26 Mar 2006|02:09pm] |
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im begininning to slowly put the pieces together. its like a car accident that happens too quickly. you cant stop it, you cant think about it, you just have to lean back and watch as everything changes forever.
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[19 Feb 2006|06:29pm] |
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im the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but you can't.
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[05 Feb 2006|03:02pm] |
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now that i stopped doing drugs, im a lot less apathetic then i was. i mean, before i hated every single one of you and i didnt care and i was like, "fuck you" and i liked hurting peoples feelings. that was all just because i hated myself and what i had become. now, all i want to do is buy peoples presents just to see smiles and care and go out to lunch and i want a boyfriend more then ever and my feelings get hurt so easily. i just cant believe that before, i rather see someone cry, then laugh. im so grateful for the friends that i have now, its ridiculous.
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[31 Jan 2006|04:23pm] |
i don’t think I would ever blow my head off. I’m way too fucking stubborn or proud. i forget which one. one thing I am not is weak. someone told me once, a chatty friend of mine, that the ultimate form of courage is suicide. to take that last step over the edge of the tenth floor window or stay in your car long enough to let the fumes take effect takes an immense amount of willpower and resolution that would match the great alexander.
p.s. ive been clean of methamphetamines for one month.
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[18 Jan 2006|05:46pm] |
im scared. im scared of getting close to anyone. im afraid that they are going to rip my heart out and stomp on it and then laugh in my face and leave me the very minute that i feel most intimate with them. the very minute that i feel the most secure, because they know that thats when youre most vulnerable. im afraid of just sitting in the ground after im dead. rotting with maggots and extremely long earth worms crawling in and out of my eyeball sockets and mouth. im scared of sex, because the thought of someone inside me scares me, they become me and i become them and when they leave, theyre going to be apart of me forever. im scared of my emotions, or showing my emotions to anyone, because then youre defenseless to people fucking you over. then youre weak and naive and scared and anyone at any moment could rip you apart because they know. i like wearing sunglasses alot. because its the only way no one knows if youre crying. im scared of loving, because ive never loved and ive never been loved by someone who i wanted to love me. by anyone. and anyone who give me the least fucking bit of attention, i fall for, either because i never get attention and i think that them showering me wih attention is love. but its not. i know its not. i think i just want to think that its love. because thats what i want the most. i just want to be happy, i mean i am happy but im sad and happy at the same time and sometimes i feel like im going to implode. like im exploding from the inside out. this, this scares me too.
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[15 Jan 2006|08:06pm] |
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i dont want to put all of my eggs into one basket, but i hate having to carry all these eggs around. im sick and tired, (literally) and tired of being sick and fucking tired all the god damn time. i hate it when boys give me that one look, because i just cant help falling in love with someone who gives me the look. im going through an atomic war with my body. broken hearts, like broken bones, hurt well. i want someone who makes my organs sloosh around a little in my body and smells like tulips because tulips smell good. i want everything. the world in my fucking hands. but soon when im sitting on a swing and i tell him to push me higher, he will. but im only going to say "no! higher."
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[09 Jan 2006|01:35pm] |
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all i know is that i drink way too much and on saturday my blood was all over the house.
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[21 Dec 2005|05:24pm] |
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[16 Dec 2005|05:51pm] |
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i talk to myself because i like dealing with a higher class of people.
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[02 Dec 2005|12:06am] |
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if you knew that you would die today, would you change?
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prettythighs's journal